And my birthday present had better be...

I am the type of guy who can appreciate nifty gadgets. Let me tell you, friends, that gorgeous son of a bitch right there is a bonafide miracle of modern technology. It's an Egg And Muffin Toaster. That's right. A GODDAMN EGG AND MUFFIN TOASTER.

Imagine if you will, a device that can change the course of human history. A device that can cook an egg, warm up some pre-cooked sausage, bacon or canadian bacon and toast your choice of bread, croissant, english muffin or bagel. And do it all at the same time. This is that device. Humanity will one day acknowledge the greatness that is The Egg And Muffin Toaster, but I suspect it won't be in my lifetime. It's a shame, really, because this thing seems like it would be capable of bringing about world peace... one egg and muffin sandwich at a time. Screw this whole war in Iraq thing. We should be air dropping these things into the country.

The best part? It's only going to cost $49.99. It costs less than a car. It costs less than a washing machine. It costs less than a refrigerator. It costs less than your monthly rent/mortgage payment. It costs less than a Jacksonville prostitute (actually, wait, scratch that). These are things we consider necessities in life. Shelter. Clothing. Transportation. Sex with trashy women. Toasted Egg and Muffin sandwiches. I think you see where I'm going with this.

I'm going to get married just so I can have a wedding registry and I can go around Bed Bath & Beyond (it'll be a big day, don't know if I'll have enough time) and add this beautiful bastard to that list of stuff that people will give me just for getting hitched. And I'm damn well gonna have a pre-nup drawn up that has only these listings on it:

• She gets: house, unwanted children, car, etc.
• Maki gets: Egg & Muffin Toaster, DVDs, iPod.

Seems like a fair settlement to me. We live in fantastic times, friends. FANTASTIC TIMES.