Tips for the single homeowner.

I own a house. I do not have a wife, live-in girlfriend or roommate to split any of the upkeep of the house, much less any of the mortgage payment. So it's all pretty much me in charge here, which is a good thing. I am my own man. I am a rock, I am an island, dammit. What I have found for all of you single homeowners (and prospective single homeowners) is a simple system that will help you manage to juggle the time constraints of having regular employment as well as a home. First of all, there are four things a single homeowner should strive for:

1. A house exterior and landscaping that is well-maintained.
2. A house interior that is well-kept and cleaned regularly.
3. A healthy social life.
4. A good night's sleep (preferably at least 7 hours).

Now what you do is look at that list. Look at it really hard. Think about what is most important to you in your life, what will bring you the most satisfaction... and then pick two. You can't have all four. Trust me on this, because I've tried. You can think, "oh, I'll split the exterior and interior time and it'll be cool," but the fact of the matter is that you can't. Both will look like crap. Trust me. You can forego sleep and friendship and really have an awesome looking house. You will never get to enjoy it, however. Sorry. You can have a great social life while being well-rested, but you will never, ever want to invite anyone over to your house. Your house will look worse than Lindsey Lohan after a mad bender of a weekend, so that's a no-go. Sorry.

"But Maki, I want it all!" you say. Well take heart, fair reader, I have the solution! It's a simple three-step process that can turn that homeowning frown upside down! Remember, these must be done in the proper order for it to work.

1. Get a better-paying job, you bottom-feeder.
2. Hire a lawn service.
3. Hire a maid.

Life just got immediately better, didn't it? Then again, there's the two-step process, which works even better:

1. Sell house.
2. Buy condo.

It's like getting a free lawn service. Everybody wins! So what if you can hear your neighbors having sex. So what if you can't turn your home theater up loud enough to knock loose dental fillings. So what if you'll have to pay association fees on top of your mortgage costs? So what if you'll never, ever be able to sell it for a profit since people only shell out for new condos? You've cut the list down to 3 choices instead of 4, and that really is the key.

There is, however, one more option available to you. It's a very high risk/reward situation, and really should only be used as a last resort. I am presenting it here for the sake of completeness, since I don't want to leave any stone unturned.

1. Get mail-order bride.

She'll be happy to have a green card, and you can put her to work. You can see the inherent dangers if this plan backfires. Proceed with caution.

Hopefully this has been a helpful little post that will allow you, the single homeowner, to balance your time and live the half-a-life that you had always hoped for. As for me, it's time to go out and pull some weeds and mow the lawn. See you out there!