A question of etiquette.

Alright, so I went to the wake for my neighbor tonight. As anyone who has been to a funeral home can tell you, there's always a second wake going on whenever you're there. This wake will almost always have more people there because, well, you don't hang out with people cool enough to have a gigantic funeral. Or you hang out with people who are much more selective about their friends and thus, much cooler. Your choice of how you want to look at it. Anyway, my mom is in town with me and I'm heading to the wake for my neighbor. We get to the funeral home, tell the doorperson which wake we're attending and proceed past the packed wake in the front room. As we're going by to our smaller wake room, there's a girl walking out of the other wake, presumably to use the restroom or something.

This girl is way, way hot.

She's one of those little petite blonde girls that just drives me crazy. Well, little petite brunette girls drive me crazy too, but this one in particular was blonde. So, we walk by her, I give her a little smile since I can't give too big a smile since I'm going to a wake and all. It's the smile that says, "hey, it's good to see you, though I wish it was under better circumstances." It was perfect for the occasion. She gives the same little smile right back and then disappears down a side hallway. I proceed into the wake for my neighbor. I am, of course, consolatory and understanding towards all, telling nice, occasionally funny stories about my neighbor to members of her family that I've never met before and will never see again after tomorrow's funeral. All the time I'm doing this, my mind is racing; plotting; calculating. I'm trying to figure out a way to disengage myself from this wake to get to the other wake to find this little petite knockout. Of course, I would have to ditch my mom for long enough to get the girl's number while simultaneously not letting any of the other wake attendees spot me long enough to recognize what I'm doing. Even if I could successfully pull that off, there's the matter of finding the girl and getting her number while we're both attending a wake for the recently deceased. Tricky situation.

If this were the movies, I'd be able to sweep my way in, charming all attendees of the wake despite not even remotely knowing the deceased. I'd find my little blonde and sing something like Bobby Darin's "Beyond The Sea" while a big band suddenly appears out of nowhere and everyone joins in on a fantastic dance number, turning a somber event into a joyous celebration of life and love with balloons and confetti and a little platform in the middle of the room that would rise up with the two of us on it, culminating in a kiss while the music reaches a big crescendo and all is right with the world and nobody is sad anymore and I get her phone number.

In the real world, the encounter would go something like this...

I kind of work my way around the side of the room, hoping to catch a glimpse of this girl. I spot her and eventually find a moment where she's not talking to anyone and make my move. Tenatively approaching her, the conversation begins.

Me: "Hi, I'm Maki. I usually have much more tact than this, but..."
Her: "Um, hi?"
Me: "Um, yeah, hi, um, yeah, I passed by you on my way in and I was, um, realizing that I'm really not likely to ever see you again, so I'm just going to come out and ask if you'd like to meet for a cup of coffee later."
Her: "I'm at my boyfriend's funeral and you're asking me out for coffee later? Are you even human? I HOPE YOU DIE OF GONORRHEA MOTHERFUCKER."
Me: "Um, yeah, I'm gonna take that as a no. Sorry for your loss."

At this point I am told by my neighbor's family that it would be appreciated if I didn't attend the funeral tomorrow. My mom shakes her head and once again laments the fact that I'm never going to give her any grandchildren. Maki goes home, tries to play Halo 2 on Xbox Live, gets called a racial epithet over the internet by a 10-year-old and then goes to bed alone.

So yeah, maybe trying to pick up a girl at the funeral home is a bad idea. Just a little FYI for you guys.