This is what's known as "filler."

So, it's Friday night, I've got a few beers in me after the post-work happy hour and just don't feel like posting anything in-depth before I head out somewhere else to drink (likely my couch, but beggars can't be choosers.). I had a "dear diary" entry written in my head where I sent a mix tape to Al B. Sure to tell him that somebody still thinks he rocks, but all it had was 90 minutes of "Night and Day" on it and I realized that the post wasn't funny enough. And I'd actually have to write it, which sucks when you're buzzed. Due to this, I'm bringing an old post off the bench. This is my review of Van Helsing, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I got into the free preview showing last May and still felt ripped off. I figured you'd like it and it's better than me not posting anything or posting drunken babble in a few hours (still likely to happen, but hey.) Enjoy.

One day Hugh Jackman is going to look back on the shell of his former career, and he's going to wonder where it all went wrong. Two words are going to pop into his mind.

Van Helsing.

You know how you saw the trailer for it and you thought, "Well, that could turn out okay, but it's sure got the potential for major suckage..." Well, guess what? It sucks even worse than you thought it could. This was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I got to watch it for free and I'm still pissed about it. From the absolutely horrible CGI to the HORRIFIC OVERACTING of the Dracula character, this movie is just insulting on many, many, many levels. Cameras move randomly, for no particular reason, making shots as confusing as possible. Sounds blare out from all directions incessantly. Characters frequently exhibit "movie behavior." "He's turning into a werewolf right before my eyes! Do I grab a weapon? Do I run away? No! I stand gaping in horror in a vain attempt to create suspense!" My favorite example of this behavior is, "Thousands of flying vampire creatures are coming down the mountainside toward the town! Let's all go outside and look instead of hiding wherever we can!" Expect about 20 to 30 examples of this type of horribly scripted behavior.

What can I say good about it? Well, the first 10 minutes are a direct homage to James Whale's Frankenstein , and that part is a lot of fun. Don't expect it to last. The movie could have been redeemed with more homages like this, but sadly, that's the only one. Then we move on to Van Helsing fighting Mr. Hyde, who just happens to be one of the single worst-looking CGI creations ever. C'mon, people. Gollum ruined it for all of you, I know. At least put some effort into it though, would you please?

After an incredibly boring and predictable battle with Mr, Hyde, it's Richard Roxburgh's Dracula showing up with director Stephen Sommers off camera yelling, "You're not OVERACTING! I sense something believable in what you're doing! Stop that! OVERACT, DAMN YOU!" I would have loved to have seen the casting sessions for the female vampires, too. "Screech! Screech louder! If you still have vocal chords, that means you're NOT SCREECHING LOUD ENOUGH!"

Then they get into some needlessly convoluted plot where Kate Beckinsale's entire family line is damned if they can't kill Dracula, Van Helsing knows Dracula but doesn't know why, there's little gremlin vampire baby things that need electricity to live or something... It's all just stupid. I'd forgive it if the action was the least bit interesting, but it's nothing you haven't seen 1,000 times before. Sad.

Save your money. Don't think, "well, Maki could be wrong about it." Remember my words when you're at the video store going, "hmmm... I've already seen Kill Bill Volume 2, I may as well get something else. Maybe Van Helsing...." Listen to me. Don't do it. You'll never get that two hours back. It's not worth it. You have been warned. Want a Stephen Sommers film that's stupid but at least enjoyable to watch on some level? Watch The Mummy instead. At least you won't hate yourself in the morning...

I am so tempted to give away the ending of the movie here just to keep you from going to see it. But I won't, cause that's crossing the line. Incredibly tempting, though.

0 out of 4 stars.