DSL + wireless router = time machine

How is that, you ask? Especially without a flux capacitor? I will tell you, friend. It means you're suddenly transported to 1990. It's the days of a 2400 baud modem, when that was a hella blazin' fast piece of equipment for connecting to the local BBS and stuff. You spent like $200 on that thing and you were the cat's meow, for lack of a better term at the moment.

Anyway, that's what my upload speed is right now.

I can download just fine... But let me try to connect to the server of the webspace I just purchased to share awesome goodness with you fine people and it's suddenly a trip in the wayback machine. Try to connect to me on MSN or AIM or your Instant Messenger program of choice and suddenly Bell Biv Devoe and Jesus Jones comes up on the iTunes and I didn't even load them on there.

So I go to BellSouth's website and pull up all of my information and begin a lovely chat session with my good friend from India or wherever their tech support is these days. What follows is the unedited transcript.

BellSouth: Welcome to BellSouth FastAccess Technical Support. How may I assist you?
Maki: I am hella frustrated, yo
BellSouth: Can you please explain the problem you need assistance with?
Maki: I'm all tryin to upload to this new webspace I tossed some coin at and your whole DSL modem is suddenly like a lame-ass old 2400 baud modem which was so slow a 14.4 made it look like a little bitch and it took like 45 minutes to send one little MP3 to the site and I'm all Jouaqiun Phoenix in Gladiator going, "I am vexed. This is hella vexing"
BellSouth: I will pull up your information now, sir.
Maki: damn straight
BellSouth: I want you to open up Internet Explorer and go to a site called speed.fastaccess.com and test the speed of your connection.
Maki: Shit, yo. I'll go there but I already told you we partying like it's a 1990 modem in here

* 3 minutes pass, site is still testing *

Maki: That totally broke the internet. I don't even know how we're still talking here. It ain't done because it's still trying to catch up to 15 years of progress in modem connection technology in like 3 minutes
BellSouth: It should have completed by now. Is your computer connected directly to the modem or sharing a connection?
Maki: It's hooked up through a wireless router that you guys helped me set up, don't they keep that in your records and stuff? Why even ask for my info beforehand if you're not gonna read it
BellSouth: What you should do is disconnect the modem from the router and plug it directly into the computer. That should solve your upload problems.
Maki: So whenever I need to upload a file, you're telling me I've gotta go behind the computer and rewire all sorts of crap, then rewire it back the way it was next time I want to play some halo 2 with a bunch of racist 10-year-olds on xbox live?
BellSouth: I was not suggesting you do that every time, I was suggesting that may be a possible solution. Your router is the problem. We are not at fault in any way shape or form. You did this to yourself. Contact your router manufacturer.
Maki: So you're saying that it might be a solution, the laziest damn solution I've ever heard from anyone ever. Remind me to call you up when your car breaks down and be like, next time carry a gas can in your trunk cause maybe you ran out of gas even though there's flames coming out from under the damn hood
BellSouth: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Maki: You can fix my damn internet without me all rewiring everything any time I wanna do something
BellSouth: Thank you for using BellSouth FastAccess Technical Support.
Maki: I hope you catch the clap
* Help Session has ended *

Guess you guys won't be getting any fun MP3-type stuff until I can get this router thing sorted out. This will only happen during Belkin's pre-designated hours of 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday, Pacific time. My life is pain.