Fashion guru, part deux

Ok, I will be the first to admit that I am not the most hip and fashion-conscious guy, though I do play one on TV. But something has come to my attention lately, and I feel the burning desire to blog about it. (As an aside, don't you love when somebody uses "blog" as a verb? It's like it's not writing, it's blogging! That makes it so much less dorky! Duh, people!) Anyway. Where was I? Ah, yes. A new fashion trend that I have recently become aware of.

Gauchos!

No, not the University of California Santa Barbara sports teams, either. It's these new pants the ladies seem to be fond of. Too lazy to click the link and have decided instead to say, "Gauchos? Will you please explain what those are, Maki?" Well, it's a good thing you've caught me in a generous mood. Let me enlighten you, compadre. Gauchos are pretty much a cross between capris (you know the pants that just kind of end at the calf, like they've been pre-shrunk or something) and bellbottoms (if I have to explain what those are, I hate you. Leave me alone.) In other words, you know what they are?

Pirate pants.

There, I said it.

Pirate pants.

I see girls walking around and I just want to say, "Ahoy, matey! We be swashbucklin' this afternoon at Publix? I'd join ye but me parrot is a-waitin' out in the car! ARRRRR!" And then I get slapped because I get caught looking at her ass. 'Cause damn if those things don't make a girl's ass look Jimmy Walker "Dyno-MITE!" They accomplish this despite looking rather piratish in general. Yes, I said "piratish." We're making up words here, people. This is fashion talk, dammit. FASHION TALK. Seriously, though. I figured they were part of some Halloween costume deal at first, since they could be somewhat worked into the whole hooker/slut outfit that Halloween brings about. Hooker/slut/pirate wench works for me. Speaking of hooker/slut/pirate wenches, let's bring on our first guest for "Gaucho Time!"

Here we have Jessica Simpson sporting the gaucho style. She looks as if she might be on the deck of a ship or some other such sea-based vessel. Interesting. Very interesting. I will say that her normally-quite-tight form is not flattered by the gauchos at this angle. If the photo had been taken from the back, well, that would be another matter entirely. But you get the idea. Swab the deck, ye landlubbers. Much deck-swabbing will occur. Get your heads out of the gutter, you deviants. Jessica is proudly carrying the gaucho torch for all to see. Will she pass it to our next guest on "Gaucho Time!"?

In a word? No. Here we have the world's friendliest pirate. Or the gayest. I'll take all of the above for $1000, Alex. The hands on the hips and the friendly smile really aren't doing him any favors. But, you will notice that the only difference between his pants, er, sorry, gauchos and Jessica Simpson's is that his have been frayed ever-so-carefully. I guess frayed isn't the word I'm looking for. "Carefully-cut-with-scissors-so-as-made-to-appear-frayed" is probably a better term to use, but that's a lot to say and I tend to be lazy when it comes to that. These gauchos are not flattering his form, either, but I'm not going to contemplate a shot from behind. Ladies and gay men who may be reading, don't let me stop you, though. I hear he likes romance novels, but only the ones with Fabio on the cover dressed as a pirate. And no, I don't have his e-mail address. Sorry.

All we need now is one last fusion of the two and I may have just started a new fashion trend here...

AWESOME. Avast, ye scallywags! I don't even know what that means, but I like it. Not only do we have the combined strength of the flowing gaucho pirate pants but we have the decorative eye-patch to really seal the deal. There's a reason the sunglasses stay on the head, after all. Gotta complete the look and nothing says pirate like a pair of gauchos and an eye patch. I'm sure Louis Vuitton will be all over this eye patch thing by next week. After all, if we can get the ladies to wear pirate pants, it's the next logical step. Trust me.

I feel like looting and pillaging already. Arrrrrrr!