If I were gay, I'd totally be Jude Law.

Seriously. I'd be getting mix tapes in the mail daily, gay fan letters, the works. As it stands, I'm the guy that women rarely remember, since I'm straight. Put me in a room full of gay men and I'm like Heidi Klum dumping Seal and hitting the town for some action. Everybody's gonna give it a try and toss out a pickup line, but nobody's gonna succeed. If it wasn't me, I'd almost think it was a waste.

What brings this on? Two separate guys checking me out at the Ale House tonight. I'd say that maybe it's an Orlando thing, since I'm stuck in the land of horrendous traffic for yet another weekend, but it's not just that. It happened on the Casbah night as well. As we were leaving, some guy asked Matt if he was "with" me. Scary. Thankfully, MK wasn't in the mood for messing around with my head and broke yet another homosexual the bad news. "Sorry, he's straight." At least, that's how I like to look at it. It probably boiled down to the fact that he knew I was his ride back to his car and it would be best not to get left behind by an annoyed Maki.

Anyway, it's happened plenty of times before that, and it's not like I attract the same type of gay man, I attract all different types, be they young, old, fat, thin, ugly, good-looking, whatever. I'm like the Bizarro World version of PK, who can walk into a high class "gentlemen's club" without a dime in his pocket and walk out with 4 phone numbers by the end of the evening. Minimum. He won't even be trying to talk to them, either. It just happens. Me? They grudgingly come over and charge me double the going rate, all the while reminding me about the "no touching" rule, even though I've kept my hands at my sides the whole time. I can't even imagine the scene that would erupt if I went to one of those "male revue" type things. I'd probably get even dirtier looks from all the women there than I do from those women putting themselves through college (snicker) working at the high class strip joint. Everybody would leave disappointed.

One time some guy told me that people assume I'm gay because I tuck my shirt in. This person was obviously not a Rhodes Scholar. If only it were that easy, I'd untuck my shirt and be ignored by males and females of the species alike. This seems to happen in a similar fashion with straight guys as well. I hang out with them for 20 minutes, they all think I'm the coolest guy on the planet. I talk to a woman for 20 minutes, she forgets my name approximately 17 seconds after the conversation ends. The next night all the guys are asking, "where's Maki?" and all the girls are asking, "who's Maki?" It was exactly like that in high school, too.

This leads me to my latest endeavor. I am going to make my own fragrance. All those spam e-mails keep telling me that women want pheromones and stuff, so I figure what's good for the goose can be good for the gander. Gay men of the world, pay attention! Tired of replacing your metal clothes hangers with plastic ones and/or watching Bravo on a Saturday night? Tired of wishing all the hot gay guys would let you know that they're gay? Want to attract those same hot gay guys like you're an electromagnet and they've got braces? Want to repel members of the opposite sex like a dude with a mullet who just failed a VD test?* Be the first in line for "Essence of Maki" the new fragrance that will drive the men wild and the women away in droves! For only $49.99 a bottle, I'll distill whatever it is that makes me such a damn attractive non-gay man and use its powers for good, not evil! I'm quite the humanitarian, you know. I'm just helping everybody get some, regardless of orientation. Well, everyone except me, it seems. Expect some "unsolicited bulk e-mail" any day now. Hopefully that can generate massive amounts of income so I can at least get the shallow, money-grubbing bitches to talk to me. Hey, it's a start...

* Note: Not a self-description.