Yes, I saw Snakes On A Plane and yes, this is actually a long-winded review.

The short of it: definitely worth the wait. Of course, there are some reservations to that statement, considering I saw the movie in just about the most optimal way possible -- with a theater full of high schoolers who had been anticipating this movie as much as I had been anticipating this movie (if not moreso). And yes, they all went nuts and chimed in as soon as they realized Samuel L. was giving the "I've had it with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin plane!" speech. They threw rubber snakes around the theater. They hissed through all 15 previews that ran before the movie started. They screamed advice to people on screen. They pretty much wouldn't shut up. This is usually the type of crowd that would make me want to kill every single one of them on the way out, but this is a movie that's practically built for audience participation. I just don't see it playing nearly as well on DVD as it does with a (mostly) full theater. I'd put money on an "audience participation" track of some sort whenever that DVD does come out.

So anyway, the movie! It actually, honest to god, works. Despite it's ludicrous premise and despite it's incredibly sadistic side, it somehow works. I think it works because of three things: First, it smartly combines the disaster genre with the slasher genre. Both are big crowd-pleaser genres designed for rowdy audiences, and it's more than a little surprising that a combo like this hasn't happened yet. (I'll get back to this). Second, it appears to take itself seriously early on but gives you enough nods and "crowd-pleaser" moments to make you realize that it really doesn't. The filmmakers are obviously in on the joke, and the film is much, much better for it. Lastly, Samuel L. Jackson. This guy is obviously in on the joke as well and plays it perfectly. His reactions to the other characters (especially when they pull off "movie moments"*) are absolutely perfect. Granted, he's playing Samuel L. Jackson as usual, but that isn't a bad thing in this case. Hell, the crowd went nuts when his name appeared in the credits, for god's sake! Of course, at that point it's just preaching to the converted, but still.

The easiest way to put it is this: if you weren't considering seeing the movie already, then you probably haven't even read this far. If you have but you didn't want to see it anyway, I suggest you stay away from the theater this weekend. You know why? Because this movie really is exactly what you think it is. It's bad CGI snakes, really gruesome deaths, gratuitous nudity, gratuitous language and Samuel L. in full-on Deep Blue Sea mode. If that didn't sell you, STAY FAR AWAY. If that's what you're looking for, then you'd better go this weekend, because that's the only time I can guarantee a relatively full theater. And this needs to be seen in a relatively full theater with their brains turned off (this is not a bad thing, in this case). Much like the old-school Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street flicks, their value only appears when in a like-minded (read: bloodthirsty), highly populated group.

Which leads me back to the combo of slasher flick and disaster flick. SoaP works because it takes the best parts of both and makes them work together. You've got your paper-thin character archetypes (the "Ripley"**, the joke-cracker, the sidekick, the douchebag, the one that freaks out, the fat guy, the jock, the airhead, etc.) and of course, you've got your snake fodder. And there is plenty of snake fodder in Snakes On A Plane. You can see where all of that "let's bump it up from PG-13 to R" footage came in handy. Some of these deaths are just flat-out wrong, to be honest. This is where the slasher flick part comes back into play. The snakes really are treated as the "single-minded-killer" entity, much like a Freddy Kreuger or Jason Voorhees. And like those movies, the deaths become signature moments of the movie. And man, do they pile on the deaths and attempt to make every one of them different. It borders on too much at some points, but I guess we can chalk that up to "giving the audience what they want." But really, it gets a lot more graphic than you're probably expecting. But remember, you're dealing with pheromone-crazy super-snakes, so I guess it's to be expected.

Alright, if you've read this far you'll need a short recap. The recap is this: Samuel L. kicks ass; snakes kill people gruesomely; one liners come fast and furious; crowd goes nuts. If it weren't so late I'd make that into a haiku or something, but I'm not feeling it now. So yes, SoaP didn't let me down, but I can't stress enough how integral the audience experience was to the process. Don't skip it and figure you'll rent it once it comes out on DVD... Go ahead and spend the $8 and see it in the theater on Friday night with a bunch of other internet geeks who have been waiting for this damn thing almost a year now. You'll thank me. Honest. Unless you didn't want to see it in the first place. If that's the case, thanks for at least reading this far. I'm kind of shocked if you did, actually.

Yes, I just attempted to give some sort of critical analysis of Snakes On A Fucking Plane. Deal with it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it may as well be me. I'll probably be the only one, since it wasn't screened for "real" critics. At least I avoided spoilers, and believe me, there's a lot I was tempted to give away. Anyway...

3.5 stars out of 4. Lots of fun, but obviously not perfect.

* By my definition, a "movie moment" is something that can never ever happen in real life but happens all the time in movies. Think of anything truly preposterous that you've ever seen in a movie and chances are it falls under my definition of a "movie moment."
** As in Sigourney Weaver in the Alien series. Strong, confident, kickass female character.