I should play golf once a year more often.

To say this weekend's golf tournament was a success would be an understatement. Take everything that sucked about last year's tournament (a last place finish) and take the complete opposite. Not only did my team win, we absolutely dominated. A list of our accomplishments:

1. Shot a 68, beating the second place team by 6 strokes
2. Beat the last place team by 16 strokes
3. Set the record for lowest round ever in the 24-year history of the tournament
4. Did it at a much harder course than the usual place for the tournament
5. I won the long drive competition
6. My teammate won the closest to the pin competition
7. Made all the other teams cry like little girls
8. Collected HUGE cash pot (1,500 pennies apiece)

In other words, my team rocked. The funny thing is that three of the four of us hadn't played a round of golf since last year's tournament (myself included). Yet there we were sinking 30-foot putts, blasting 300-yard drives and pretty much kicking ass and taking names. There's something to be said for not practicing or even playing for a year, I would say. I'm going to have to look into this. It's cheaper, anyway.

So, I'm back in Caribou Coffee, home of pretty much the only internet available in town. I did discover that the most populated place in town at 1pm is McDonalds, just across the street. I've never seen anything like it. I swear the entire town (population 7,154) was there at that point. What is the allure? I attribute it to the fact that there is no Taco Bell in town. What's even scarier about that whole mess is that half of those people were employees. Craziness. This just proves if you want to take over a small town, all you need to do is open a McDonalds. Then your only competition is WalMart. Formidable competition, sure... But there's no better way to wake up with a dead employee head in your bed than to go up against WalMart while trying to take over a small town.

Speaking of small towns, I passed through some ridiculously small ones on my drive up here on Friday. One town had a population of 25 people. 25 people! Mayoral elections have to be hotly contested in that little town. Talk about every vote counts... Just think of the backhanded dealings that go on in a town that size. How much squirrel meat would you need to buy someone's vote? Is it more expensive if they're a relative? Actually, chances are they're all related, which is a bit creepier. Sure limits one's dating options, I'd think. Then again, I think I'd rather not know. At least I didn't hear dueling banjos as I drove through. Otherwise you might never get to read this wonderful life-enriching post you're reading right now and I wouldn't have encountered all that fortune and glory at Saturday's tournament. Fate is a fickle thing indeed.

Speaking of driving through small towns, the playlist served me well. Sorry none of you won the playlist contest. Think of it like winning the lottery... You've gotta play to win, but even if you play it's likely to be an 80-year-old retiree from Boca Raton that takes your hard-earned winnings anyway. At least your odds are better with my semi-annual playlist contest. But also know this! Despite winning my own contest (see comments in the previous post), karma came back and got me pretty immediately by making me leave the case for my brand-new headphones on the plane in the magazine/vomit bag pocket. Constantly-tangled earbud cords, thy name is Maki. My life is pain.

See you guys whenever. Provided I don't get shot for blaring The Prodigy's "Girls" at full volume through some microscopic town in northern Minnesota... Which is always a possibility.