I'm a natural.
You know, people are always coming up to me on the street, and they're like, "hey, Maki, how can I get my plants and stuff to grow so awesome like yours do? I mean, some people say that they're weeds, but we are educated and know better than that." I have to keep telling them that first of all, no, I won't sign any autographs, second, no they can't touch my green thumb and lastly, no, I can't give away my secret. Why is that, you ask?
Because my secret is very simple.
Being the good, loyal blog readers that you are, you're going to get the answer to that question I am so often asked by random strangers in the street. Feel privileged. Feel honored. Feel relieved. Especially knowing that you didn't pay for this knowledge in any way other than the time it takes to read it. It's going to change your life, though. Honest.
The secret is this: Don't do a damn thing.
Take your plants, make sure they're in a pot and just leave them outside. Trust me, the rain and sun will take care of the rest. I will repeat: do not do a damn thing. This is my method and you can see the results in my wonderfully artistic photo at the top of this post. There are some prerequisites to this method, though. Don't EVER take any of your plants inside the house. EVER. This is like sending them to the gas chamber. It's a death sentence. Keep them outside of the house or they will suffer the same fate as my ficus tree, my umbrella plant, my other umbrella plant, my bromeliad, my stick plant, my yucca plant and countless other victims of an indoor lifestyle. Just say no to indoor plants. The "don't do a damn thing" philosophy fails when it comes to indoors. Sorry.
My last bit of plant/gardening/what the hell ever advice? If someone tries to give you a Lantana plant, this can only mean one thing: They hate you. They hate your yard. They want you to suffer. Lantana is to your yard what German soldiers are to Paris. It will march in, take over, and it will take years to get it out. And you will suffer while trying. Lantana is the devil. Treat it as such.
Follow these simple steps and you too can have wonderful plants that don't do much other than look pretty. They also grow like weeds, but we know they're not. At least they'd better not be. Because I fucking hate weeding, dammit.
posted by Maki @ 12:34 AM
11 comments
11 Comments:
AWW!! What a pretty flower!! But seriously I learning something new about you today...you can grow stuff..hehehe
The other secret I've found to having a green thumb, as I do, is to only have plants that actually tolerate the "do nothing" attitude I have towards plant maintenance. Everything that I don't have to baby by dead-heading, feeding religiously, or making sure the soil is just moist enough, will die. Plants must be hardy to survive in our yard or we won't have them.
The Lantana, SADLY, did not come back after Brian mowed over it :-(
LOL your funny, if it were only this simple! I refuse to believe it. There's no way!!!!
People really ask to touch your green thumb huh!?!? :)
I can't grow a damned thing inside or out. I'm out of touch with nature I suppose.
Oh, and you can stop making excuses as to why your thumb is always green. Nice try.
Megan: I can grow stuff if I don't get involved in the process. That's the secret...
Holly: Trust me, the Lantana will be back. It's only biding its time. Mine waited over a year to make its evil ambush on my yard. And when it did? Dear god, was it a brutal attack. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Becky: You wouldn't believe it. These Jacksonville people are out of their damn minds.
PK: You're right, it's yucca. I guess "yukka" was its reaction to being sent inside the house to die. And yeah, Laura is totally feminine, considering I think I've heard her burp more times than either of us combined, and I only hang out with you guys a couple times a month. Add the whole Black Velvet thing to the mix and that just proves she's totally girly.
Kitkat: Damn, I guess the cat's out of the bag on the thumb thing. Crap.
Easy there, Georgia O'Keefe!
Instead of a flower, why not a giant banner that brashly proclaims, "I LOVE VAGINA!"
I'm telling your mom.
And to think, you read the floaty text for the photo, too.
OMG. You need to have a disclaimer for that floaty text!!
You're damn right I mowed over it! I am the Allied goddamn Forces to Lantana!
You think I know nothing of plants...nooo my friend, I do know, all too well. You think it's friendly, but you haven't watched in the middle of the night.
You haven't heard the taunting, the little comments it makes, goose-stepping around the yard proclaiming this VY Day.
I couldn't sleep at night, the Lantana outside my window whispering "maaaagically delicious, maaaagically delicious". I had to kill it, see? I...just had to.
You made the right decision. Soldier on, um, soldier. Keep an eye on it, though. That son of a bitch Lantana is a damn modern-day Rasputin.
A weed is defined as a plant that is unwanted, so you just have to keep an open mind and you'll never have weeds.
I like your approach. I suggest applying it to more things. I use it for pretty much all hygene and look processes with decent results. I'm pretty sure if I tried I'd look worse. Part of that is my inate lack of taste though.
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