Holy crap, I've been doing this for over a year already?

Seriously! Tuesday marked my one-year anniversary. Or is it a blogiversary? Yes, I think it is, because "blog" juxtaposed with any other word automatically makes it a blog-related word. Which I am totally down with. Because I love the word "blog," but that's already well-documented. Blog. Blogblogblogblog. Blog.

So, in the already-grand tradition of "More Junk From Maki," I present to you a bunch of stuff I will promise to bring you in year two of blogsistence (see, awesome) and then completely fail to deliver. Because I'm honest like that, and also horrible at following through with anything. But you know that already. That's why you all show up to step up to Maki's trough of commas, filler words, run-on sentences and complete lack of brevity that pad out what could be told in about 45 words to around 37,832. This is why I am an internet phenomenon with over 45 visitors per day, 38 of which are me stopping by whenever I get bored at work and wonder if I have more comments. But I digress.

HERE IS A LIST FOR YOU. I MADE IT MYSELF.

• In year two I am going to post pictures of my pets all the time. Because this isn't a blog if I don't post pictures of my pets. Maybe I'll post pictures of all the high-traffic areas of my house that one of my cats chooses to vomit in daily. Why do I wear shoes that have deep tread again? Why do I not leave all my lights on so I can see where I'm stepping at all times? Why the fuck do I even have pets? I can't even take care of myself. Dammit.
• I am going to continue to be totally self-centered and post 57,000 word essays on what I did over the weekend. Then I'll think to myself, "Gee, these are getting a little long, I'd better break them up into multiple posts so people will read them." Even if I know they're just glorified "Dear Diary" entries. And then I will get mad when people don't read them. Because I am a totally self-indulgent bitch like that.
  
• I will write a sensitive, heartfelt, honest post and then get all weirded out by it. I will do this once every two weeks and then bitch about how nobody understands me like some emo bastard. Even though I'm not. Blog persona. You know the drill.
  
• I will post more pictures of myself. I won't look at the camera because good bloggers never have pictures of themselves looking into the camera because that is way too uncool. Anyway, I will post pictures every other day so people can track my different looks on a bi-daily basis and realize that I really do look the same all the time.
  
• Then at some point I will inexplicably start posting pictures of Tanith Belbin, pretending it's me. My hits per day will jump to approximately 5,489 within a week and I'll wonder why I ever pretended to be me in the first place.
• I will still write stories about failing miserably at hitting on women, of course. Once people think I'm a hot female who also happens to be a lesbian, my hits should jump to 13,457 per day. It's basic mathematics, kids.
• I will also post more dialogue stuff because I enjoy using that little quotation mark button up there in the Blogger dashboard.
  
• I will post MP3s of really obscure bands with catchy names, even if I hate them. Because that's what MP3 blogs do. It seems to be working out for them, so when in Rome and whatnot.
• I will turn on that Google AdSense nonsense and generate $0.02 per day, then suddenly jump to $3,496.17 per day once I become a lesbian Tanith Belbin lookalike.
• In the spirit of getting compensated for this whole blog deal, I will shill more often for stuff I think is cool. It got me an Egg & Muffin Toaster, didn't it? And yes, I still love the thing more than life itself.
  
• I will go to bed before 11:30 every night. Hah! That was a good one. Who the hell was I kidding with that one?
• I will actually get around to creating that very cool second blog I mentioned a while back that requires a ton of writing and research and stuff. And then I'll update it regularly, along with this one. Fuck, who am I kidding with that one, either?
• I will get panicky and check my referral links obsessively when somebody else (coughamycough) slips up and tells my parents I have a blog and then unconvincingly tries to pass it off as me having a myspace page. Matt will then make fun of me for having a myspace page, even though he's had a friendster one for years. We will all have a good laugh until I vanish unexpectedly, forced into rehab by family who think I must be an alcoholic if I talk about going out drinking this often.
• I will actually meet some of you people who read this (coughkitkatcough). I will also get to talk to you for more than 45 seconds and be much funnier when I do (coughkatrinacough).
• I will actually have a point in writing when I sit down to write and not just randomly throw words together and expect them to form something coherent and entertaining. In other words, I won't be that drunk dude playing darts who keeps hitting random strangers then giving profuse apologies before tagging them in the ear the next successive throw. Or maybe I'm projecting here. Sorry.
• I will post more lists. Because people like lists. And pictures. It turns out people actually read these things if I throw a random picture in. You'd think I'd understand this, being in the graphic design field and all, but nobody ever said I was a Rhodes Scholar who realized how causal connections work.
• I will become a total fucking hipster and post pictures of all the damn hipster parties I go to and all the funky clothes I wear and will disagree with whatever you like even if I like it because that's the hipster credo: disagree no matter what, because agreeing with people is SO not cool. Unless they're a fellow hipster. Then you can agree that everything was better before everyone else found out about it. Everything has sold out. EVERYTHING.
  
• I will post more religious satire stuff that gets completely misunderstood by retarded fundamentalists. It'll be awesome. Crunk for Christ, baby!
• With all the fundamentalists I will attract, I promise to fucking swear a lot more fucking often, shitheads.
• In the same vein, every comment I leave will begin with the phrase, "Listen, bitch..."
  
• I will sneak Kool Keith lyrics in every post at some point. The man's a poetic master of gibberish, people. Sound like anyone you know? Thought so. Did you know his lyrics are the basis for the comment verification system Blogger uses? You just learned something. Knowledge is power. Rap music, my droogs! I promise the Kool Keith lyrics will not draw attention to themselves and will fit in seamlessly with whatever I'm posting. Supersonic bionic robot voodoo power equator ex my chance to flex skills on Ampex with power meters and heaters gauge anti freeze octagon oxygen aluminum intoxicants. See what I mean?
  
• Speaking of music, I'll fit more music and song references into my post titles. 'Cause god knows I didn't so enough of that in year one and it's so totally not lazy to do that.
  
• I will actually post more than once a week. Hah! Again, who the hell am I kidding with that one?
  

Here is a picture because I love you all. Even you, you dirty bastard. You know what you did, you prick.


In honor of Year 2 beginning, I give you a James Brown MP3. Because everybody fucking loves James Brown and Jesus Christ how can anybody not like a song with this immortal lyric:

"I don't know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!!!"

I've said that before every fight I've ever gotten in. Fuck yeah, James. I love you even if The Man don't. Just download the damn song already. Oh yeah, fuck you En Vogue, for stealing that absolutely insane hook. What's the over/under on when Kanye takes it and drives it into the ground for five minutes? Next album or the one after?

Good night, and good luck. Godspeed to you, blog reader of the universe. Maki out.