Brand new you're retro

I am noticing a disheartening trend in my music habits these days. I used to be one of those guys who was on top of EVERYTHING that came out. I knew who was coming out when, what new bands were just waiting to be discovered, all of that crap.

Nowadays? I end up listening to the same artists I've been listening to for the past 10 years. I keep checking Portishead's site, which hasn't been updated in 7 years and I keep crossing my fingers that maybe, maybe, MAYBE this will be the time where they say, "oh, hey, we finished our album and it'll be out next month." Sadly, I've been doing that once a week for at least the past 5 years. You'd think I'd move on and find new similar stuff to listen to like Teflon Tel Aviv (a Liz recommendation) or something, but my heart's just not in it anymore. Keeping up with music and being one of those "cool" people just isn't as much fun as it used to be. Sure, I check some of the cooler music blogs like indoor fireworks, 3hive, gorilla vs. bear, berkleyplace, work for it, etc. But I find myself not really listening to many of the songs I download from them.

I guess that's part of the problem with the whole MP3 revolution. If I haven't paid money for it, I tend to really put off listening to it. I don't have the investment in it that I would if I'd just spent $11 to grab a copy (or $30 for one disc, as my insane ass has been known to do on Amazon if properly motivated.) This theory fails when I realize that the new David Gray is still sitting on my shelf, mocking me for spending the money and not even listening to it yet. Hell, one of the albums from my England megahaul 6 months ago is still waiting for me to listen to it. I suck.

What do I do to remedy this situation? I listen to Kind Of Blue or The Queen Is Dead or Mutations or Simple Things or Preemptive Strike or So... How's Your Girl? or Off The Wall or Let's Get Killed or Ritual De Lo Habitual or Siamese Dream or Apricot Morning or Murmur or any one of hundreds of albums I've listened to hundreds of times already. It this what it's like to get old? Does one's taste narrow itself out, as if by natural selection? Does the stuff on the radio really suck that bad or is my brain just shutting it out involuntarily? I used to be a musical sponge. Now I'm like a musical stone. Sure, I get around to cool stuff Matt gives me like TV On The Radio or Bloc Party, but in general, my top 10 list at the end of the year isn't going to contain many debut albums, if only because I've become too old and lame to seek them out. It kind of bums me out, in that regard.

I have a webspace that a few of you know about and have grabbed some stuff from. I had this grand idea of posting lots of MP3s and doing more music-related stuff, but I'm starting to realize that it's all going to be lots of the same-type stuff by a lot of the same artists. I listen to a lot of stuff, but checking out a lot of blogs makes me realize I'm only scratching the surface. Oh well. I guess I'll just stick with what I know best and go from there. I will be doing more music-related stuff soon, if only because I just don't have any funny stories and I don't ever want to turn this into a "dear diary" site. I can't stand those and nobody really wants to know what I had for lunch and all. Expect some retro reviews, though. I like the idea of revisiting some of this stuff that may not be considered classic, but is pretty damn deserving in my book. It may not be as funny, but maybe it'll help you appreciate some music you may have passed over before.

Please note: I tend to promise a lot of stuff I never deliver around here, so don't hold me to this. I am notoriously fickle when it comes to this blog thing (thang?) Besides, if I do funny stuff instead of music stuff, I figure nobody will complain, right? Except probably Holly. But I just ignore her most of the time.

Egg & Muffin Toaster Evangelist

Some of you who have been reading for a while may recall me waxing ecstatic about the Egg & Muffin Toaster. Some other people took notice of this. Guess who they were? If you guessed the Egg & Muffin Toaster people, you'd be the winner of some sort of prize that I'd think up later and then disqualify you for because I'm greedy and heartless. But you'd know in your heart that you guessed correctly, and that's what matters. Anyway, through some amazing act of luck and internet craziness, I am now the proud owner of one Egg & Muffin Toaster. So before I start, let me say a hearty thank you to all of the Back To Basics Egg & Muffin Toaster people for A) The Egg & Muffin Toaster, obviously, and B) reading and enjoying the blog. Sorry I swore so much in that other post and it was completely unusable for any sort of promotional stuff you might have wanted to use it for.

"So, Maki," you may ask, "how did you like it?"

Read the title of the post if you need an answer to that question. In short? This thing freaking rocks. I will admit that I was absolutely petrified of reviewing it once I knew that it wasn't some kind of sick joke and they really were shipping me a bona fide, 100% genuine Egg & Muffin Toaster (heretofore referred to as an E&MT). What if it sucked? What if they sent me a defective one? I'm incredibly appreciative that someone who sees that they've clearly got a sale in me no matter what would still offer to give me a free one, but on the same token, I certainly can't lie to you guys on here if it wasn't everything I'd dreamed it could be. Luckily for me, well, dreams really do come true. It worked to perfection. And believe me, I've put this thing through its paces. But, let me start from the beginning.

Someone from the E&MT people e-mailed me the week before last out of the blue, commending me on my love for the E&MT and my wittily-phrased praise of it. After some e-mail correspondence discussing why I was getting so many hits to that one post (turns out a bunch of people from the company had read it and enjoyed it and passed it along) I sent them my mailing address and waited patiently for a free one to arrive, all the while shaking my head in disbelief at my good fortune and contemplating writing about the Sony KDF-E50A10 LCD projection television, which I hear can cure cancer as well as give you a razor-sharp HD picture. But that's a post for another time when I'm feeling a little luckier.

The E&MT arrived on Monday night via UPS 2-day air. I opened it up and read the manual during the commercial breaks for Arrested Development & Kitchen Confidential because, well, I'm actually that one guy on the planet who reads the manual. Sadly, I had only one egg and two slices of bread to use. I couldn't put it off and used them anyway. My egg was poached to perfection and my bread was toasted perfectly as well. This is when I knew I'd have to get to the grocery store ASAP to stock up on the necessary supplies I'd stupidly forgotten to purchase over the weekend. This would have to wait until Thursday, since we know how well my Tuesday went and I'd been waiting for Wednesday's season premiere of Lost longer than I'd been waiting for an E&MT, so being home in front of the TV took precedence for once in my miserable little life.

So I stocked up on Thursday, buying 18 english muffins, a dozen bagels, a package of cheese slices and a box of both pre-cooked ham and pre-cooked sausage. There was no way on earth I was half-assing this one. I made my first real sandwich, using one english muffin, one scrambled egg, one sausage patty and one slice of cheese. The way the toaster works is you pour the water into a little bowl on the side. You then place the egg in a little skillet (sprayed with non-stick cook spray, of course) and place the sausage on a vented tray above that. Then a little clear dome with a vent goes over the top and your food is steamed to perfection in about 5 minutes. The muffin is timed to pop when the egg is done, so your meal is hell of fresh and tasty. I waited patiently, savoring the smell and anticipating this meal like crazy. How did it turn out? One word.

AWESOMENESS.

That's the only word I can think of. Awesomeness. The thing was absolutely delicious. It was so awesome I had to bold and italicize that word. My week at work may have sucked like no other, but you know what? That sandwich at that moment made me forget all of it. When you talk about simple pleasures, that sounds like one of them to me. This is what I was talking about when I claimed these things could end the war in Iraq. Ain't nobody gonna blow themselves up if they know one of these badboys is waiting for them the next morning. I'm serious, people. Save the world, one egg & muffin sandwich at a time.

At this point I should mention that cleanup is a fairly quick and painless. The steam chamber has 4 pieces (lid, warming tray, egg pan and the stand for the pan) and the only one that would need to be cleaned every time is the egg pan for sure. The other ones I'd recommend washing them out every time, but I think we lazy bachelors can get by without doing it every single time. Unless you're obsessive-compulsive. Then wash away, my friend. Just be sure to get it right.

After this fantastic first experience, I realized that it was time to hit the road with the E&MT to spread the word. It was decided that the toaster was coming to work with me on Friday and everybody was getting breakfast. This is why it pays to work in my department, people. I had the supplies, I had the schedule, it was Chef Maki day at the OK Corral. I took orders. I cracked eggs open one-handed. I fed the masses. And they loved me for it. I made sandwiches with scrambled eggs and poached eggs. I made sandwiches with cheese. I made sandwiches with bacon and/or sausage. Not a single complaint was heard after I made a dozen of them total. Then I finally got to settle down and make one for myself, using a bagel this time. Perfection again. I think I'm in love with this wonderful machine. I think the majority of my department was as well. I heard at least three people mention how they needed to get one. I told them how I had located it on WalMart online for $38 before good fortune struck. Did they look? I can only hope. For their own sakes.

What is the moral of this story? No, it's not that lavishing praise on a product before you've even used it just might garner you a free one. But that's a good moral, now that I think about it. You've just got to pick the cool companies for that. The real moral, though, is that you need an Egg & Muffin Toaster. Like, right now. Because it really does work as advertised and it really is as good as I've said. I've made at least one sandwich a day since I received it and I'll be making one tomorrow morning, too, even if I'm late for work. I love it that much. Go get one now. Thank the E&MT people the way I'm thinking them right now. And ultimately, you'll thank yourself. Now let's go end that pesky war thing...

EDIT: Link-happy goodness! If you want to buy, here's where to do it, at least online.
Amazon = $39.99
Dillards = $40.00
Kohl's = $39.99
Wal-Mart = $38.82

Dichotomy!

Matt has either confirmed my faith in humanity or destroyed it. How did he do it? He used four simple words.

Snakes On A Plane.

That's right. Snakes On A Plane. That is either the best movie title ever or the worst. That is either the best movie premise ever or the worst. That either makes me wish I had written it or makes me want to curl up in the corner and cry because the world is completely unfair.

It has Samuel L. Jackson.

I repeat: It has Samuel L. Jackson. This could be so completely incredible. I am totally serious. Snakes on a plane, man! It's so simple, yet so rife with possibilities. Here's hoping he's in full Deep Blue Sea mode, where he knows he's in a stupid-ass movie, yet he hams it up like no other and makes me enjoy the shit out of it. I can only hope.

Look at him. I bet there's a snake somewhere in there. On a plane. God, this is genius. I hate the world sometimes.

I bet this guy is a total redshirt sidekick who dies and gives Samuel L. Jackson the needed push to take out ALL THOSE MUTHAFUCKING SNAKES ON THE PLANE. Look at him. He's even wearing a red shirt. It doesn't get any more telegraphed than that.

You know something? I've been on over a hundred plane flights in my life, and not even ONCE has a flight attendant ever sat down seductively in the seat next to me like that. That is totally unrealistic. They need to stick with snakes. On a plane. Then again, it might be the little bone/rope/seashell/hemp bracelet thing the dude is rockin'. Ladies love the bone/rope/seashell/hemp bracelet thing. Too bad I'm not a bracelet man.

I'm writing my new screenplay right now. I'm thinking Zombies On A Plane. I've already copyrighted the title, so don't bother. Bastards.

I can't believe I have to wait a year to see this. WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH MOVIE GODS.

Why you ain't never posting no more Maki?

Guess who just got back home? If you're wondering why I don't post as much these days, I'll give you a little taste of my schedule this week so far...

Monday

• 7:30am: Arrive at work
• 2:30pm: Get Quiznos Chicken Carbonara sub, eat at desk
• 3pm: Get back to work
• 7:45pm: Leave work
• 8pm: Watch Arrested Development
• 8:30pm: Watch Kitchen Confidential
• 9pm: Screw around on Instant Messenger, cry quietly at lot in life
• 12:30am: go to bed

Tuesday

• 7:45am: Arrive at work
• 1:45pm: Run home for lunch, realize I have no food
• 2:30pm: Return to work
• 7:30pm: Leave work
• 9pm: return home from grocery shopping and gourmet dinner at Taco Bell
• 10pm: Screw around on Instant Messenger, cry quietly at lot in life
• 11:30pm: Attempt to go to sleep early
• 11:45pm: Answer phone, learn I must return to work
• 12:00am: Arrive at work
• 12:30am: Think I'm leaving work
• 12:32am: Return to work
• 1am: Leave work
• 1:15am: arrive home, bitch on blog
• 1:30am: Blogger eats post, fries its own system, somehow
• 1:45am: debate whether on not to pull all-nighter
• 1:47am: decide against it, go to bed
  

Wednesday

• 6:00am: awaken, publish post
  
• 7am: Arrive at work
• 7:03am: begin press check
• 7:05am: cry quietly at lot in life
• 7:30am: anything goes, fuckers

Here's hoping the premiere of Lost tonight fits in the schedule, as does a workout again, finally. I'm not holding my breath anymore, though.

Am I going to have to watch a new sitcom?

Man. I really didn't think this would happen, but at least it's coming on right after Arrested Development, so I can't complain. What is this show that Maki, the great hater of most television might watch, you may ask? It's Kitchen Confidential. I know, I know, the premise sounds absolutely atrocious. But really, the cast has 3 of my favorite dudes from other TV shows on it, so I may have to watch. Damn. I wasn't prepared for this...

• Bradley Cooper, aka Will from Alias. The absence of this guy is the reason the show went in the tank following season 2. It's so odd, considering I wanted to see him killed off throughout the entire first half of season 1. Yet he made such an awesome comeback in the last half of that season and the entirety of season 2 that he became my favorite character on the show. Nice to see him get a lead roll, even if it's in something like this.
• Nicholas Brendon, aka Xander from Buffy. Awesome, awesome awesome for those first 3 seasons, until they all graduated high school and he became a directionless moron. I know that was kind of the point, but it still made me like his character a lot less. Best supporting character ever (for 3 seasons, at least.)
• John Francis Daley aka Sam from Freaks & Geeks. WHY YOU HATE JUDD APATOW SO MUCH TV NETWORKS.
• Jaime King and Bonnie Somerville. Who cares what they were on. I can't watch a show of all dudes and these chicas esta muy caliente!

My fingers are crossed that this isn't a complete waste of talent. My fingers are also crossed that even if it isn't, Fox doesn't cancel it after a month or two. My fingers are again crossed that I get home from work in time to see it (note that I'm posting this on my lunch break. I hope you guys appreciate my dedication to you.)

Will I make it home by 8:30 pm (well, 8pm for AD?) THE RACE IS ON.

Non-geek chic

Guys of the world, this is an announcement from me to you. I say this to help you, not to hurt your feelings or anything. But I keep observing this behavior more and more often, and it just should not go unpunished. So I'm going to say it in plain english that everyone can understand.

STOP WEARING TIES WITH SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRTS.

Seriously. The only guy who ever pulled it off is Michael Douglas in Falling Down. And he only pulled it off because he'd lost his damn mind at that point. Guess what? I doubt you've lost your mind enough to pull off the short-sleeved shirt with the tie. Sorry. See him? What does his look say? His look says badass, but that's only because of the juxtaposition of the shotgun and the briefcase. It's sure as hell not because of the short-sleeved shirt and the tie. Don't even try to deny it.

What does your look say when you wear the short sleeves with the tie? It says impotent. That's right. Impotent. I don't care how hot it is outside. If the heat is getting to you that bad, then you only have one option, and that is rolling up the long sleeves. Few are cool enough to pull it off. Luckily, I am one of those people. I debated whether or not to take a picture of me sporting the rolled-up sleeves. I scoured the internets and found nothing suitable as a substitute, so you get me as an example. I may not be as cool as I like to think, but I'm still cooler than every one of you sporting short sleeved-shirts with the tie. You know it's true.

Notice the casual air, yet the confidence is still there. Does this man look emasculated? Not a chance. Why is that? Because he decided to wear long sleeves and rolled them partway up. This is what you get when you've got long sleeves to protect you, friends. Take note. This man is ready for business. When he steps into a room, shit gets done. He looks ready to give one MEAN PowerPoint presentation. He's got visual aids and everything. He doesn't even need notecards. Hell, he doesn't even need to run a comb through his hair. That is how awesome he is. And all because he decided not to wear short sleeves with that tie. A wise choice, if you ask me.

They say everybody looks better in a tie, but I beg to differ. Everyone looks better with long sleeves and a tie. So stop wearing those short sleeves, already. It's for your own good, man.

This has been a public service announcement from Maki. Have a nice day.

Attention, neighbors of Maki!

Mowing your lawn at 8am on a Sunday morning falls somewhere between killing puppies and wearing parachute pants on the Not-Cool-Scale.™™ Especially when you know your neighbor usually gets home somewhere between 1am and 4am. Every Saturday night. Please refrain from this behavior in the future. Further violations will result in certain death.


DON'T MAKE ME DESTROY YOU.

Call me Captain Smooooooove...

Really. I have such game, it's incomprehensible. I went on the departmental lunch-type deal yesterday on my actual birthday, since it's kind of a departmental requirement and all. It's okay, though, because I got to pick where we ate and I didn't have to pay. Today was birthday lunch #2 with people from other work departments. It's always good to extend your birthday as long as possible, because people tend to treat you to lunch, which is just good stuff if you can pull it off. Anyway, one of the five attendants today included a girl from another department who is just the cutest thing ever. Of course, she likes Gwen Stefani and Van Helsing, so ours is an antagonistic relationship, to say the least. She does like some New Order and the new Beck, so she's not a total loss.

So, we go to Moon River Pizza, known for having, well, awesome pizza and some damn good salads. I'm donating blood later in the day, so it's good to get the iron up with a salad and the belly full with a slice of "T-Rex" pizza (in other words, the carnivore pizza.) Cute girl with shaky entertainment taste and I decide to share a greek salad. We sit down in the booth next to each other and wait for everybody's orders to be brought out. The salad arrives promptly with two bowls for sharing. So we divide up the salads fairly evenly, making sure we both get some feta cheese and all. I then proceed to start slicing the lettuce, since attempting to eat a salad without slicing up the lettuce makes you appear like a man raised by rabbits with poor table manners, which is very not the look I go for when around cute, available women with shaky entertainment taste.

I made a horrible error in judgment at this point. I misjudged the base of the bowl the salad was in, which in hindsight was apparently about as wide as a standard-issue U.S. quarter. The rim of the bowl was approximately a foot and a half across, meaning that without careful balance the bowl was liable to be set spinning like a top if not cautious. Needless to say, I was not cautious. As I begin to slice the lettuce, the bowl does as bowls with quarter-dollar bases are apt to do and flips itself over violently, tossing the contents of my salad directly into her lap. When I say directly, I mean it's as if I had aimed it perfectly. I couldn't do that again for a million bucks, I tell ya. Anyway, my response to this happening is, "crapstupidbowldammitsorrycrap!" She just laughs and says, "even though it's your birthday, you're not allowed to eat your salad off my lap!" My witty retort?

*Deer in headlights stare*

* crickets *

"..... um...... sorry....?"

* crickets *

And I wonder why I'm still single. Dammit.

Wow, 29 years flies by.

In honor of my surviving yet another year of life, I give you random sage advice I've learned over my 29 years on this planet. Enjoy and feel free to add any more you might have.

Music

• 98% of what's played on the radio nowadays is complete trash. Of course, this is exactly what the 29-year-olds were saying 15 years ago, when I was 14 and loving almost everything I heard on the radio... And what you 14-year-olds will be saying in 15 years. Yes, kids, it happens.
• People are going to listen to what they're going to listen to. All you can do is recommend good stuff and hope that they like it. Don't ever begrudge what they enjoy, unless they actually like "Hollaback Girl" -- in that case, they deserve it with both barrels.
• On the other side of the coin, if you settle for and give money to crappy music, that's all you're ever going to get.
• File sharing only works if you actually spend some money to get the stuff you really like.
• Just about any song is better on a sunny day with the windows down, an open highway ahead of you and the volume up really loud.
  

Wal-Mart

• Wal-Mart is one of the few public places in this world where you will hear a restraining order discussed with a sense of pride.
• Wal-Mart is also one of the few public places where you'll hear, "Junior! You pick your underwear up off the floor this instant!!!" Needless to say, I didn't venture over to the next aisle to find out... A) If the underwear was still in the package or actually being worn by Junior at the time, and B) Just how old Junior was. Some things are better left unknown.
• You shouldn't go there because Wal-Mart has been at the forefront of corporate America swallowing up any and all smaller competitors by bullying them out of business. C'mon, you're really not saving that much money. Besides, you get exactly what you pay for.
• Target smells better and there aren't boxes and shit cluttering up all the aisles. And the clientele doesn't look like they just cashed their welfare check, either. Go there instead.
  

Politics and Religion

• Arguing about politics is, 99% of the time, completely pointless. Arguing about religion is even more pointless. It's very rare that anyone will change their views. In general, everything the other side says has a "spin" on it and is, thus, propaganda. All arguing about it does is lead to pointless vitriol.
  
• This is why political blogs suck. All of them. Without exception.
• No matter who you voted for in the presidential election, it's the same rich white guy, just with different groups pulling his strings. We need a system with more than two choices.
• We all worship (or choose not to worship) the same higher power. It's just been given a different name and a different method of worship depending on where you were raised and who you were raised by. Yours is no better than anyone else's. If their method of worship doesn't hurt anyone else, what the hell do you care if they've chosen it over yours?

The Internet

• If you've never met the person you're arguing with face-to-face, the argument isn't worth having.
• Online fantasy leagues are the coolest sports idea ever. Just don't discuss them with people not in your league or you're liable to bore them to death.
• Instant messenger programs shouldn't replace real human contact or a simple phone call.
  
• It's not that hard to read something back and correct the typos before you post it.
• It's not that hard to click spell checker, either.
• Lastly, always copy & paste before you post.
  
• Just because you read someone's blog doesn't mean you know what they're really like. Trust me.
  

Education

• When you're in school, you can't wait to get out. Once you're working, you spend most of the time wishing you were back in school.
• Beware, your memories of school tend to be rose-tinted, glossing over all the stupid crap you hated while you were there.
  
• Read more books. It will enhance your vocabulary and improve your grammar. And reading the book is always better than seeing the movie.
• While we're at it, read Chuck Palahniuk's work. The man is a genius, even if each book has the exact same plot structure.
• Don't be afraid to graduate. Everybody's gotta move on some time.
  

Women, dating, etc.

• Guys, when a woman asks you, "Do you like my new hair style?" or the infamous, "do I look fat in this?" your response should not be, "Why do you want to argue?" Trust me on this one.
• Any setup where someone tells you that your date has "a great personality" or "is really cool" means that they are "dog-ass ugly." Likewise, "healthy" = girth.
• You may think he/she is out of your league, but chances are he/she isn't. Honest.
  
• If you ever ask me for relationship advice, your relationship is in serious trouble. Sorry.
  
• The older you get, the more baggage everyone you will ever attempt to date has.
• There's a thin line between "still trying to work it out" and "stalking." Know the difference.
  
• If it's not there, it's never going to be there. Sorry. Move on.
• If you really do love someone, don't ever be afraid to let them know it.
• I still don't know a damn thing about women.
  

Work

• The more money you have, the quicker it gets spent.
• The more money you have, then less free time you have to enjoy the luxuries it affords.
• If you hate your job, quit and find a new one. You'll survive and you'll be happier for it.
  

Life

• A good sense of humor will get you a long, long, long way in life.
• No diet will ever be better than a good exercise program that you stick to.
  
• Donate blood. The pain isn't nearly as bad as everyone makes it out to be, and it's desperately needed by our hospitals. Besides, you can snicker at the odd questions about your sexual history. "Have you ever had sex with someone who worked as a lion tamer in Kenya? Have you ever had sex with someone who has had sex with a Kenyan lion? Have you ever..."
• On the same note, volunteer somewhere.
  
• When you become a homeowner, your weekends tend to revolve around gardening and lawn mowing, rather than partying. It's rather depressing.
• Dental floss is highly underrated, as is mouthwash.
• Most illegal drugs are highly overrated.
• Hacker Pschorr Weiss Beer is highly, highly underrated.
• Your circle of friends will get smaller as you age, but you'll find that the ties between you will grow tighter and tighter.
• Speaking of aging, you'll appreciate your family a lot more as you age. Even that annoying little sister you picked on for so many years.
• Anyone who wears sunglasses indoors deserves a serious beatdown.
• The lottery is simply a voluntary tax. Go ahead and buy a ticket occasionally. It's fun to dream.
• Speaking of dreams, when you have a really cool dream, you will only remember the stupidest little details from it. "I was wearing a plaid shirt and... and... I can't remember the rest. It was a really cool dream, though, trust me!" Don't bother telling anyone about this dream. They don't care.
• It's much easier to give advice than to follow it.
  
• Enjoy what you enjoy. Even if it makes you strange in other people's eyes.
• Enjoy your birthday. You only get so many of them in your lifetime, y'know.

The world's gone bad. We lost the love we had.

You've probably noticed that I have avoided talking about the situation in New Orleans here on this blog. I have only commented on it here and there, because it just sucks and I figured everyone had already said what needed to be said about it. But I've been thinking a lot about it and it's weighed heavy on my mind. Heavier than the World Trade Center attacks 4 years ago, in fact. Sometimes you've just gotta get this stuff down in writing to purge it. Don't expect anything funny from me this time. I'm just not in the mood tonight.

My parents took me out to dinner the other night to celebrate my birthday. We went to a very nice restaurant and my dad and I decided to split chateaubriand. It cost $80. That's almost as much as I donated to the Red Cross the day before. All I could think was, "there's people who stood in line at the Convention Center with no food or water, waiting for a bus for three days. And I'm sitting here eating an $80 piece of steak." Even if it's something that I'm only going to do because it's a special event-type thing, even if I'm not paying for it, I felt guilty. Horribly guilty. But really, what can I do? It's not like I could starve myself as some form of empathy. Well, I could, but it would be pointless. That's not going to help anyone. There's really nothing I can do, short of sending money to the Red Cross, which I've already done.

Now I know how Ray Nagin (the mayor of New Orleans) felt when he went off on everyone and everything last week. It's a horrible feeling to see these things happening and to realize that even though we are supposedly the most powerful country in the world, it somehow takes us five days to get troops and aid into the affected areas. FIVE DAYS. We had Colin Powell walking around on the beach hours after the tsunami hit halfway around the world, yet it takes us 5 days to get troops a state over into New Orleans? And our illustrious leader is busy doing photo ops with country singers in San Diego two days after the storm? What the hell happened last week? Was I in some kind of sick nightmare?

FEMA had predicted this would happen. A major hurricane hitting New Orleans was one of "the three most likely catastrophic disasters facing America" (the other two being a terrorist attack on NYC and a major earthquake hitting San Francisco.) Apparently this has been a concern to them since before I was born. Which makes me ask one gigantic question: Where the hell was the disaster plan? If there was one, why the hell wasn't it followed? If it was followed, why the hell did it obviously not work? Many, many lives have been lost because of a fundamental failure on the local, state and governmental level. And preventable deaths are not something I can abide. I can't imagine being one of those old people, dying of dehydration or lack of medicine while waiting in a line for a bus that never came. Imagine those being your last hours. Watching bus after bus, full of people, driving by. None ever stop. Smelling the stench of human waste and sewage in the streets. The stench of death all around. Imagine that being the last thing you ever smell. Dying waiting in a line because your leaders were too incompetent to do their jobs properly. It sickens me. It absolutely sickens me.

From what I understand, the levees held. It was the storm walls that gave in and caused the flooding. Tonight on 60 Minutes, I watched an army engineer, the man who knew the most about the levees and storm walls, explain that even if he'd been given a billion dollars 5 years ago, he could not have done anything because it would have taken 30 years to build the walls properly. And even then, they probably wouldn't have been able to withstand a Category 4 storm like Katrina. Let's hope he gets that billion dollars and they find a better way to build a storm wall when they inevitably rebuild New Orleans. We need to make sure that something like this never happens again.

Hurricane Katrina hitting was a tragedy. Everything that has happened afterwards is a travesty. One that could have been prevented. Somebody needs to be held accountable for what's happened in New Orleans. I don't care what political party they come from, either. There's plenty of blame to go around on something this catastrophic. They need to learn from this. We all need to learn from this.

I never went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Now it looks like I never will.

Dammit, I am so pissed at everything that's happened. All I can do is send more money. Please do so if you haven't yet. Every little bit helps.

I either need to gain a few pounds or lose a few pounds.

So, in the course of my whole working out and general self-improvement deal, I have noticed something. I used to buy large boxer briefs, as they would fit my size-34 waist just fine. A week or so ago, I realized that the larges were just too darn large on me. Either I've lost enough body fat for them to now be loose on me or I've just stretched them out too much. The stretching thing is unlikely since they're fairly new and boxer briefs should be meant to last more than a few months, considering I tend to change my underwear daily and all. Note the use of the word "tend" in that last sentence. I ain't gonna talk in absolutes, here, people. I'm only human.

Anyway, to remedy the boundlessly-baggy boxer brief situation, I bought some mediums when I was at Ye Olde Super Targét the other night. The problem I discovered today is that the mediums are just a little bit too small for me. Things be getting a little constricted downstairs and riding up on me when I'm trying to get down at the 311 show tonight. So now I have a dilemma. I just don't have any comfortable underwear to wear right now. I think I'm stuck at a damn 33 waist, right in-between the proper even-numbered sizes that manufacturers stick to. I'm gonna have to eat better and do more cardio or I'm gonna have to put on some body fat in order to fit into the old ones. I think the choice is clear, sadly. Adios, Taco Bell, you will be missed. Same with you, my 60-90 minutes at the gym, which will soon balloon to around two hours.

I sense the beginnings of a career change, actually. I could be a boxer brief model. All advertisers would need are tastefully-angled crotch shots of me wearing perfectly-fitted boxer briefs for their Sunday advertising circular. I now have something to strive for. The best part is that you guys will never know if it's me or not. Well, only the lucky ladies will know, if you catch my drift. This sounds like a plan of action. Yeah, we totally doin' this.

Desert island mix-type thing

Being 100% uninspired lately, I am totally ripping off something that Liz did and posting my "desert island" music picks. Why here and not in her comments? Well, I already ruined that for myself by posting my typically sarcastic response. So the real one goes here. The bonus, however, is the fact that, for a limited time only, each song is available for download* since I finally fixed that whole router/DSL time machine problem. All I ask is that you right click and select "Save As" instead of downloading direct and destroying my damn bandwidth I pay such a hefty monthly sum for. So, without further ado...

• DJ Shadow - "Changeling" (7.2 mb) - Not much I can say about this song and this guy that I haven't said 1,000 times already to anyone who will listen. Just try to find another song that sounds even remotely like this.**
  
• David Holmes - "Rodney Yates" (5.9 mb) - Possibly the second coolest song ever. There's a reason Holmes recycled it for the opening credits of Ocean's 11.
• Miles Davis - "All Blues" (10.5 mb) - Ok, this is the coolest song ever. 46 years old and still cooler than anything put out this year. And people say we've progressed as a species. I don't agree.
  
• Mos Def - "Umi Says (Zero 7 Mix)" (5.2 mb) - Mos Def is one of those guys who only puts stuff out when he's got something important to say (kind of like me with this blog... yeah, that's it). I just love the honesty and power and positivity of this song. This mix is better (in my opinion) than the album one because it pushes the focus towards the great lyrics rather than the instruments. The album mix is pretty damn good, though.
  
• The Cure - "Mint Car" (3.2 mb) - "Just Like Heaven" may be my favorite Cure song, but if I'm stuck on a desert island I'm gonna need all the positivity I can get. This is unashamedly The Cure's happiest song ever. I know that's not saying much, but you get my point.

I reserve the right to change this when my mood shifts. Which is pretty often. Let me know if you enjoy any of these, though. I want you to enjoy these. I want to know you enjoy these. So let me know. I will stop asking now. Thanks.

* Unless I get threatened with a lawsuit by the RIAA or the artist writes me asking to take it down, then I guess you kids are out of luck. Go buy it, ya freeloadin' bastids.
** If you do, notify me immediately because I want to download it. Thanks.