Twentysomething?

So, my 30th birthday is somehow less than a week away. It's a bit strange to think about. I guess it's the idea of that big odometer rolling over an extra number this time that kind of makes me put things in perspective. I enjoyed my twenties. Quite a bit, actually. I laughed, I cried, I bought a metric ton of DVDs. It was better than Cats, I tell ya. Hell, I started a blog, an event that will one day be listed in the list of "Most Important Things Ever To Happen To The Internet." So yeah, I accomplished quite a bit. I filled a 60-gig iPod. No mean feat. I bought a house. A friggin' house! An achievement that is only topped by somehow blogging my way into a free Egg & Muffin Toaster. Yet another sign of my awesomeness. I got to see the sneak previews for both Fight Club and Snakes On A Plane. Classics, the both of them. Try accomplishing that in the span of a decade. I dare you. I even witnessed The Great Outdoor Fight. Honestly, what more could a guy possibly ask for*?

I also made a hell of a lot of new friends. The funny thing is that the majority of friends who were there for my 20th birthday will be there when we celebrate my 30th birthday next week. Some were there when the celebration started last weekend. Hell, I know there will be plenty more people who I didn't know 10 years ago that'll show. And really, that's a pretty damn cool feeling. I guess I don't tend to alienate too many people. Always a sign that you're doing something right. Or people are afraid of getting on my bad side. I'm gonna go with the "people love me" angle. Yeah, I think I'll stick with that.

I know there are people who would say that "it'll never be like it was then," or "the best is all behind you now, it's all downhill from here." But I don't buy that. Why? Because it really feels like every year of my twenties has been better than the year before it. Sure, there are some years I'd love to go back and relive, because I had a blast. But really, nowadays I feel healthier, cooler, funnier, awesomer than I ever have. And this, of course, is a good thing. 'Cause when you get down on yourself they do lame stuff like take away your planetary status (free Pluto!) or start a pointless war or raise interest rates and life just isn't nearly as good.

So yeah, I'm actually looking forward to turning 30. I joke about how I'll be "officially" old and all that, but really, I've never been a better person than I am right now. All I have to do is keep that up and life is good. Just don't anybody remind me of those New Year's Missions I had, because the fact that I kept only one or two of them would just bring me down. Motivation for next year? I'd like to think so. I will note that I'm cranking out the running thing after my return from the two-month doctor-recommended workout sabbatical. So that's on track.** So is the smiling and positive attitude thing (making a recent resurgence.) Now I just need to get back on that "posting blogs more often" thing... But really, who am I kidding? Same thing with the "going to bed at 11:30 on worknights" thing. And don't even get me started on the 2-drink maximum. The less said about that the better.

So yeah, I'll keep enjoying my twenties for another 5 days. Then I get to enjoy my thirties for 3,653 more of them. Guess I should make every one of them count, huh? And yeah, I did the math on that. Not all graphic designers are math illiterate. Sucka.

But you wanna know what the best part of being almost 30 is? Buying yourself a gigantic-ass TV for your birthday and getting a gigantic discount on it.*** I knew that metric ton of DVDs would come in handy some day.

My thirties are looking up already.

*Um, other than something that involves Heidi Klum and a lot of free time. I'm talking a LOT of free time. Just being honest.
** Honest to god, no pun intended.
*** Well, sure, getting it free by writing a blog about how it could end all wars and cure cancer would be better, but really I'm gonna take the next best thing here.

Pluto IS a planet!

Hey, Scientist guy! Yeah, you! What the hell did Pluto ever do to you, huh? There Pluto is, all up in its oblong orbit, happy to be a planet for the last 76 years and all of a sudden you punkasses just up and tell Pluto it's not a planet anymore? Not cool. Not cool at all. All treating Pluto like it's some kind of second-class celestial body space mass type thing or something. You even have the nerve to call Pluto a "dwarf planet." Sounds more than a little derogatory to me. And no, waving a Disney stuffed animal under an umbrella doesn't make me feel any better about it. It's not even funny. It's flat-out lame. Fucking punkass scientists. Next thing you know they'll be classifying asteroids as "dwarf planets." Oh wait, they're already doing that. What the hell is the universe coming to?

I think the 2 Skinnee J's said it best. And hell, they said it 8 years ago. Talk about modern-day prophets! They were the only ones that saw this shit coming. I blame Neptune. Never could trust that son of a bitch. Keep pleading your case 2SJ's! The entire staff of More Junk From Maki is on your side! Now where's my 6th grade science textbook, anyway? That shit's a collector's item now, bitches.

Yes, I saw Snakes On A Plane and yes, this is actually a long-winded review.

The short of it: definitely worth the wait. Of course, there are some reservations to that statement, considering I saw the movie in just about the most optimal way possible -- with a theater full of high schoolers who had been anticipating this movie as much as I had been anticipating this movie (if not moreso). And yes, they all went nuts and chimed in as soon as they realized Samuel L. was giving the "I've had it with these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin plane!" speech. They threw rubber snakes around the theater. They hissed through all 15 previews that ran before the movie started. They screamed advice to people on screen. They pretty much wouldn't shut up. This is usually the type of crowd that would make me want to kill every single one of them on the way out, but this is a movie that's practically built for audience participation. I just don't see it playing nearly as well on DVD as it does with a (mostly) full theater. I'd put money on an "audience participation" track of some sort whenever that DVD does come out.

So anyway, the movie! It actually, honest to god, works. Despite it's ludicrous premise and despite it's incredibly sadistic side, it somehow works. I think it works because of three things: First, it smartly combines the disaster genre with the slasher genre. Both are big crowd-pleaser genres designed for rowdy audiences, and it's more than a little surprising that a combo like this hasn't happened yet. (I'll get back to this). Second, it appears to take itself seriously early on but gives you enough nods and "crowd-pleaser" moments to make you realize that it really doesn't. The filmmakers are obviously in on the joke, and the film is much, much better for it. Lastly, Samuel L. Jackson. This guy is obviously in on the joke as well and plays it perfectly. His reactions to the other characters (especially when they pull off "movie moments"*) are absolutely perfect. Granted, he's playing Samuel L. Jackson as usual, but that isn't a bad thing in this case. Hell, the crowd went nuts when his name appeared in the credits, for god's sake! Of course, at that point it's just preaching to the converted, but still.

The easiest way to put it is this: if you weren't considering seeing the movie already, then you probably haven't even read this far. If you have but you didn't want to see it anyway, I suggest you stay away from the theater this weekend. You know why? Because this movie really is exactly what you think it is. It's bad CGI snakes, really gruesome deaths, gratuitous nudity, gratuitous language and Samuel L. in full-on Deep Blue Sea mode. If that didn't sell you, STAY FAR AWAY. If that's what you're looking for, then you'd better go this weekend, because that's the only time I can guarantee a relatively full theater. And this needs to be seen in a relatively full theater with their brains turned off (this is not a bad thing, in this case). Much like the old-school Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street flicks, their value only appears when in a like-minded (read: bloodthirsty), highly populated group.

Which leads me back to the combo of slasher flick and disaster flick. SoaP works because it takes the best parts of both and makes them work together. You've got your paper-thin character archetypes (the "Ripley"**, the joke-cracker, the sidekick, the douchebag, the one that freaks out, the fat guy, the jock, the airhead, etc.) and of course, you've got your snake fodder. And there is plenty of snake fodder in Snakes On A Plane. You can see where all of that "let's bump it up from PG-13 to R" footage came in handy. Some of these deaths are just flat-out wrong, to be honest. This is where the slasher flick part comes back into play. The snakes really are treated as the "single-minded-killer" entity, much like a Freddy Kreuger or Jason Voorhees. And like those movies, the deaths become signature moments of the movie. And man, do they pile on the deaths and attempt to make every one of them different. It borders on too much at some points, but I guess we can chalk that up to "giving the audience what they want." But really, it gets a lot more graphic than you're probably expecting. But remember, you're dealing with pheromone-crazy super-snakes, so I guess it's to be expected.

Alright, if you've read this far you'll need a short recap. The recap is this: Samuel L. kicks ass; snakes kill people gruesomely; one liners come fast and furious; crowd goes nuts. If it weren't so late I'd make that into a haiku or something, but I'm not feeling it now. So yes, SoaP didn't let me down, but I can't stress enough how integral the audience experience was to the process. Don't skip it and figure you'll rent it once it comes out on DVD... Go ahead and spend the $8 and see it in the theater on Friday night with a bunch of other internet geeks who have been waiting for this damn thing almost a year now. You'll thank me. Honest. Unless you didn't want to see it in the first place. If that's the case, thanks for at least reading this far. I'm kind of shocked if you did, actually.

Yes, I just attempted to give some sort of critical analysis of Snakes On A Fucking Plane. Deal with it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it may as well be me. I'll probably be the only one, since it wasn't screened for "real" critics. At least I avoided spoilers, and believe me, there's a lot I was tempted to give away. Anyway...

3.5 stars out of 4. Lots of fun, but obviously not perfect.

* By my definition, a "movie moment" is something that can never ever happen in real life but happens all the time in movies. Think of anything truly preposterous that you've ever seen in a movie and chances are it falls under my definition of a "movie moment."
** As in Sigourney Weaver in the Alien series. Strong, confident, kickass female character.

"We got MF'n snakes!"

Again, yes I'm still alive. I'm just feeling exceedingly lazy right now.
Hopefully seeing Snakes On A Plane (aka The Greatest Cinematic Achievement Of Our Generation) tomorrow will give me some inspiration. Maybe even a review! One can only hope. I really can't believe it's been almost a year since I first wrote about this movie.

Here are some helpful tips you may want to keep in mind...


Less than 24 hours! (I hope!) Don't forget to help Samuel L. with that whole Oscar thing. Do your part!

Everybody be happy!

Yes, I'm still alive. Enjoy! Happy day!

I should play golf once a year more often.

To say this weekend's golf tournament was a success would be an understatement. Take everything that sucked about last year's tournament (a last place finish) and take the complete opposite. Not only did my team win, we absolutely dominated. A list of our accomplishments:

1. Shot a 68, beating the second place team by 6 strokes
2. Beat the last place team by 16 strokes
3. Set the record for lowest round ever in the 24-year history of the tournament
4. Did it at a much harder course than the usual place for the tournament
5. I won the long drive competition
6. My teammate won the closest to the pin competition
7. Made all the other teams cry like little girls
8. Collected HUGE cash pot (1,500 pennies apiece)

In other words, my team rocked. The funny thing is that three of the four of us hadn't played a round of golf since last year's tournament (myself included). Yet there we were sinking 30-foot putts, blasting 300-yard drives and pretty much kicking ass and taking names. There's something to be said for not practicing or even playing for a year, I would say. I'm going to have to look into this. It's cheaper, anyway.

So, I'm back in Caribou Coffee, home of pretty much the only internet available in town. I did discover that the most populated place in town at 1pm is McDonalds, just across the street. I've never seen anything like it. I swear the entire town (population 7,154) was there at that point. What is the allure? I attribute it to the fact that there is no Taco Bell in town. What's even scarier about that whole mess is that half of those people were employees. Craziness. This just proves if you want to take over a small town, all you need to do is open a McDonalds. Then your only competition is WalMart. Formidable competition, sure... But there's no better way to wake up with a dead employee head in your bed than to go up against WalMart while trying to take over a small town.

Speaking of small towns, I passed through some ridiculously small ones on my drive up here on Friday. One town had a population of 25 people. 25 people! Mayoral elections have to be hotly contested in that little town. Talk about every vote counts... Just think of the backhanded dealings that go on in a town that size. How much squirrel meat would you need to buy someone's vote? Is it more expensive if they're a relative? Actually, chances are they're all related, which is a bit creepier. Sure limits one's dating options, I'd think. Then again, I think I'd rather not know. At least I didn't hear dueling banjos as I drove through. Otherwise you might never get to read this wonderful life-enriching post you're reading right now and I wouldn't have encountered all that fortune and glory at Saturday's tournament. Fate is a fickle thing indeed.

Speaking of driving through small towns, the playlist served me well. Sorry none of you won the playlist contest. Think of it like winning the lottery... You've gotta play to win, but even if you play it's likely to be an 80-year-old retiree from Boca Raton that takes your hard-earned winnings anyway. At least your odds are better with my semi-annual playlist contest. But also know this! Despite winning my own contest (see comments in the previous post), karma came back and got me pretty immediately by making me leave the case for my brand-new headphones on the plane in the magazine/vomit bag pocket. Constantly-tangled earbud cords, thy name is Maki. My life is pain.

See you guys whenever. Provided I don't get shot for blaring The Prodigy's "Girls" at full volume through some microscopic town in northern Minnesota... Which is always a possibility.

The return of "Name That Playlist!"

Yes, the most important part of my preparation for the Minnesota trip is complete! If you were about to guess packing my clothes, you, (A) obviously don't know me very well, and (B) skip reading my well-crafted headlines, apparently.

Now, dear reader, you may ask, "why do you need yet another custom playlist for your iPod, Maki?" Well, I'll be happy to answer. It's not for the plane (for once.) I've got that nifty PSP invention for that. Or sleep. Either would occupy plane time nicely. I made the playlist for the car trip up north. My plane lands in Minneapolis and then must drive a little over three hours to get to the wonderful cabin where cell phones and internet do not compute. (Ha! No pun intended! Honest!) But before that, I must rent a car.

That's right, I am renting a car for the first time ever in my life. Ever.

This officially makes me old. Damn. And this pretty much eliminates me from having another, "we can't stop here, this is bat country!" episode with a drunken family member. Sorry, kids. I know the blog will suffer for that one. For shame. Anyway, this playlist was created for the express purpose of keeping me awake throughout that car ride since I'll be (A) heading up there solo, and (B) working on an hour of sleep or two from the night before because that's how I roll. (Again! No pun intended! Honest!)

Matty won the last contest, just before my big London trip early on in the life of this blog. The winning entry? "Maki's down-tempo playlist for mature, sexy adults." Let's try to keep things up to that level, shall we? Here's the playlist. I don't care if you don't recognize half of the songs on it. Just know that I'm pretty sure none of them are less than 80 beats per minute and the vast majority don't have any guitars or any of that other "instrument" stuff in them.

1. Going Out Of My Head by Fatboy Slim
2. The Boxer by The Chemical Brothers
3. Waiting For The Sirens' Call (Planet Funk Remix) by New Order
   
4. Samba (Rae & Christian remix) by Faze Action
5. Walking Zero (Tuff & Jam Unda-Vybe Vocal remix) by Sneaker Pimps
6. Get A Move On by Mr. Scruff
7. Spanish Grease (Dorfmeister con madrid de los austrias muga reserva mix) by Willie Bobo
8. Universal Magnetic (IQ Collective Remix) by Mos Def
9. Good To Be Alive by DJ Rap
10. Unfinished Sympathy by Massive Attack
11. Plasticworld by Pendulum featuring Fats & TC
    
12. Bingo Bango by Basement Jaxx
13. Karvel by Björk
14. Lethal Cut by Propellerheads
15. Bring Back My Happiness by Moby
16. 19-2000 (Soulchild Remix) by Gorillaz
17. Mr. Chombee Has The Floor by The Herbaliser
18. Roll & Tumble by DJ Krush
19. Brown Paper Bag by Roni Size
20. Foxxy by Cassius
21. Life Is Sweet by The Chemical Brothers
22. Radio 7 by David Holmes
23. Roadhouse Blues (The Crystal Method Vs. The Doors Remix)
24. Daft Punk Is Playing At My House by LCD Soundsystem
25. Girls by The Prodigy
26. Born Too Slow by The Crystal Method
27. Black Steel by Tricky
28. Never Gonna Come Back Down by BT
29. High Noon by DJ Shadow

Total time is 2:39:22, so I may set it on repeat just so I can hear "The Boxer" again because it's that awesome. I was going to provide MP3s for these but it's late and I'm tired and it would take forever to upload all these and link them. Maybe if your playlist names are good enough I'll do it. There's your incentive. I'll even throw in a pack of glowsticks and a tylenol bottle full of X. (Actually, I'm lying. X is so '90s.) Actually, you can come over and watch Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. My treat. That's about as good as a bottle of X anyway.

Now I just need to remember to pack my FM Transmitter or all this effort goes completely to waste... Then maybe I will get drunk if that happens.